Moral Dilemma: Hooking Up with Your Friend's Ex? Psychology Provides the Answer

Life brings many complicated situations, and relationships are no exception. One of the most delicate is when you have feelings for your friend's ex-partner.

It's a topic that is rarely brought up, precisely because it's sensitive: how can you like someone who, out of respect for a friend, is supposed to be unapproachable?

Why relationships are even more challenging today

Building a lasting relationship today is not easy: lack of time, insecurities, and fear of emotional hurt make it difficult to create true intimacy. This situation becomes even more complicated when you finally feel connected to someone, but it turns out to be your friend's ex.

What psychologist Michelle Cantrell advises

American psychologist Michelle Cantrell, an expert in couples counseling, emphasizes that there is no black and white answer. An honest answer would be: “Yes, but it’s very complicated.”

Context matters:

▪ Is it a long, deep relationship or a short fling?

▪ How did that relationship end?

▪ Is there any pain, betrayal, or open wounds left?

Research shows that people who understand why a relationship ended are more likely to process it and close the chapter more peacefully. If the breakup was without drama, a new relationship may be clearer. But if there were deep wounds, you risk losing more than you gain, reports the Telegraph.

Honesty and respect are essential

If you believe this relationship can be meaningful, honesty and respect are essential. As Cantrell points out, it's not enough to just 'ask permission' from your friend for face-to-face contact when the decision has already been made. Accept any boundaries the other person may set, even if they say "no."

When it is not acceptable at all

There are times when a relationship with an ex isn't just disrespectful: it can open deep wounds. If there was abuse, manipulation, or significant emotional pain, a new relationship can be unbearable for your friend. According to Cantrell, no relationship is worth hurting someone you love.

How do you know if it's worth the risk?

Ask yourself:

▪ What really attracts you to him/her? Is it just physical attraction or do you feel something deeper?

▪ Are you willing/prepared to live with the consequences?

▪ Is this just curiosity? If so, why specifically the friend's ex?

Are you deciding to take action? Here's how

If you decide to move forward, Cantrell advises talking openly before anything happens. Don't keep it a secret, don't put it off—a secret can hurt more than the relationship itself. Expect strong reactions, even a possible breakup.

Discuss boundaries:

▪ Can you all meet together?

▪ Is it okay for the friend to know the details?

▪ What should not be discussed?

If you don't feel ready

If you realize that the feeling is not strong enough, explain it clearly with your ex. Don't leave room for misunderstandings. Stand your ground and avoid uncomfortable situations for everyone.

Finally: What should you do?

▪ Talk openly with your friend, don't keep secrets.

▪ Weigh your feelings: is this relationship really worth it?

▪ Discuss expectations with the other person and decide together.

▪ Remember: honesty, communication, and respect are the foundation.

As Cantrell says: “Act with dignity, respect, and think carefully before you take the plunge. Because at the end of the day, relationships may come and go, but the people you have close to you don’t always come twice.”